


interested

by richietosier (forestjoshua)



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Eddie stays alive, Fix-It, Gay Richie Tozier, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining Richie Tozier, Richie's gay journey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 21:35:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20571281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forestjoshua/pseuds/richietosier
Summary: Richie Tozier is gay. He doesn't remember when he came to realize that. After years of burying his feelings, Richie returns to his hometown to defeat an evil clown. The love he felt for a certain childhood friend comes back to surface. And refuses to leave.--A chapter 2 fix-it.





	interested

Richie is not interested.

In girls – to specify that. It’s a quiet disinterest that he tries not to make too much noise about. What he buries even deeper is how his gaze lingers on boys, their sharp jawlines and muscular calves. It’s something he shouldn’t mention. That’d would get him branded.

Richie doesn’t know when, where, _how _it started. His childhood is hazy to him – like a fever dream, up until the Toziers move away from… Maine? Richie thinks he’s from Maine. That’s what he always says. He’s from a small town in Maine and it doesn’t matter. Like how his disinterest in girls doesn’t matter.

By college time, he realizes that it _does._

“You have a girlfriend, Tozier?” one of the guys in his friend group asks.

“No. Never had,” Richie admits, because he thinks it’s _okay. _Instead, he hears snickers around him, and a question is thrown at him,

“What, you gay, bro?”

Richie feels all the blood leave his body. He tries to play it off as symptom of being drunk because he _is and_ laughs along with his friend. Me? Gay? Of course not! I’m normal. Just hadn’t have any luck. With women. Wonderful women. I love women.

He feels paranoid after that guy’s accusation. Avoids him like plague, thinking he can smell the gay on Richie. If he doesn’t look at girls enough, if doesn’t flirt with them, he’s branded _gay _and that isn’t good. That isn’t _cool. _That’s… dirty and maybe Richie has dirty socks and a dirty sense of humor, but he isn’t _dirty._

He’s afraid of the next time someone would call him _gay. _Or worse, f-

That’s the ugliest word Richie knows. He feels like it’s been thrown at him before. In his hazy childhood, maybe. Or maybe he’s just paranoid. Maybe he just _thinks _he’s been called that, because he _is _that.

_No._

He _isn’t._

Richie looks at girls. He flirts with girls. He maintains the image that he loves women, when in reality, he couldn’t give a fuck.

Men don’t exist to him. He averts his gaze from cute guys at campus, changes the channel when there’s a movie with a hot male actor.

He wants to kill the feeling. It makes him _afraid _and being afraid reminds Richie of being _terrified. _And he remembers a vague, distant feeling of being terrified out of his mind. He has no context to it, expect it has something to do with being _gay. _So, he decides he isn’t. Willpower is a strong thing and if Richie doesn’t want to be gay, he doesn’t have to.

In the end, Richie makes it through college. Flirting and smiling at women. Luckily, they aren’t interested in him.

“Richie is kind of cute, but he’s so _weird,” _he hears the friend of his roommate’s girlfriend say. It doesn’t matter if girls don’t want him, as long as it seems like he wants _them. _And the other guys buy it.

“Don’t worry. The right one will come,” says his roommate, patting his back, when another girl rejects Richie’s awkward attempts to flirt.

Richie couldn’t give a fuck.

When he starts to rise to fame, he keeps his personal life extremely private. That’s out of character for Richie Tozier, who just _can’t stop talking, _about anything. But if they know he’s near thirty and single and without any dating history, they’ll think it’s _weird. _A man, alone, no girlfriend, no wife? Must be _gay._

Richie keeps the answers vague. Until it becomes too much and that’s when Diane comes in.

She’s a nice woman. She puts up with Richie. Richie _likes _her. Likes. And now, he can finally tell everyone he’s _seeing _someone. A woman. A girlfriend. Even his college roommate texts him, _good job, tozier. she’s hot._

They never do more than kiss. Diane is shy and very religious. And Richie… Richie’s just not interested.

The guilt eats him. Diane is perfect – too nice to ask _why, _why Richie doesn’t even _try. _Maybe Diane thinks Richie is a bit pious, like her. How could she think that, though? Has she _met _Richie? He knows he’s leading Diane on. It’s a ticking timebomb – a mess.

“I love you, Richie,” Diane says one night, on her way to bed. Her fingers tangle in his hair. They sleep in the same bed, but never touch.

“I love you too, Eddie,” Richie mutters back. Time stops.

Diane is staring, her huge blue eyes almost scared. Richie feels terrified, in turn. He doesn’t know why he said that. Who’s Eddie? He doesn’t know an Eddie, no, he doesn’t think so. Is he really that gay he can’t confess his love to a woman without attaching a man’s name to it?

“My name is Diane,” Diane says. Her voice is airy and thin. She turns around and walks away. Richie sleeps on the couch that night.

Sleeps. Barely.

Diane leaves in the morning. “Don’t tell anyone,” Richie pleads as he follows Diane outside.

Diane just shakes her head. Terrified, Richie goes back inside and throws up.

But she doesn’t tell. Richie guesses the whole ordeal was way too humiliating for her.

\--

He throws up again when Mike Hanlon from Derry calls. Because he feels terrified. He manages to get himself on the stage, the lights blinding him, all those people looking at him…

_Do they think I’m gay? _

“So, my girlfriend caught me masturbating to my friend’s Facebook profile…” _My girlfriend. _He uses those words a lot in his shows. _I can’t be gay, if I say I have a girlfriend. They can’t think I’m gay._ And heck, he doesn’t even write his own material.

The show’s a mess. That evening, Richie leaves for Derry. He has to. He doesn’t want to.

He made an oath.

His heart starts to thud as he approaches the town. _Welcome to Derry! _a sign says, and it all feels unfamiliar to Richie. Is this where he grew up? And is that why he feels so uneasy; terrified?

There are names in his head. One of them is Eddie.

Eddie comes back, piece by piece. Eddie Spaghetti, the small asthmatic boy Richie had known since preschool. One of the best friends he had ever had. And more.

Richie swallows the feelings down. They’re long gone. He’s grown up, Eddie’s grown up, and he’s not _gay _and those were the confused feelings of a child, either way.

And then, there he is. Richie almost fooled himself, but then, the restaurant disappears around him. It’s not like he remembers _everything, _but Eddie is still Eddie. Just like Richie can see Ben’s desperate crush on Beverly is still there, so is his infatuation with Eddie. He can only see Eddie. He can only _feel _Eddie.

Richie forgot. He forgot how being in love felt like – how and terrible and _good._

Eddie has the same eyes – large and very brown. And maybe his childhood freckles have been faded and his cheeks aren’t as round anymore, but the face is _Eddie’s _and Richie is _gone _again. Eddie’s skinny and never exactly had a proper growth spurt. He’s still small, so small that if Richie were to wrap him in his arms, he could place his chin on top of Eddie’s head. Like he used to daydream. Eddie was always the smallest of them.

And he still has the sharp tongue. Immediately, he’s bickering with Richie and Richie wants to _weep _from how much he has missed it. How much he had missed Eddie.

He tries not to sound bitter when he says, “Eddie got married? To a woman?”

_To a woman. _Of course he did. He’s not _disinterested, _like Richie.

Richie wants to scream into his pillow. By the way Ben Hanscom keeps looking at Beverly Marsh, Richie suspects Ben wants to do the same.

_We’re on the same boat, Haystack._

Two pining idiots.

After seeing Eddie, Richie wants to get _super _smashed. He can’t comprehend why his heart chose Eddie. It doesn’t make sense to him. There were other options. Why not Stanley, who was his best friend? Or Bill, who was the leader. Ben, the new kid. Mike, who without a doubt had the nicest personality. But no, Richie Idiot Tozier had to choose Eddie Spitfire Kaspbrak. Eddie, who always replied to Richie’s dumb jokes with the most vehemence. Eddie, who was grossed out by most of the things Richie said and did. Eddie, who climbed into the hammock with him and shoved his feet against Richie’s face, kicking his glasses off – and Richie let him, because of course.

Eddie, who was almost killed at Neibolt, causing Richie to yell at Bill like he’d never yelled at another person before. Because it was _Eddie _and losing him was something Richie didn’t even want to comprehend. Eddie was something Richie looked forward to seeing every day.

Now, he remembers how the crush ate his insides. That summer, all the other boys – at least Bill and Ben – had been completely hung upon Beverly. She was new and exciting and _girl. _Richie remembers the day she joined their little Losers’ Club, her at the Barrens, sunbathing. Everyone staring at her, including Richie, though there was nothing to him to stare at.

That summer Ben Hanscom fell head over heels for Beverly Marsh and Richie Tozier fell head over heels for Eddie Kaspbrak. And after Henry Bowers, of course, _Henry Bowers, _that sick fuck, screamed at him at the arcade, screamed that word, _faggot, _Richie couldn’t imagine telling anyone. Not anymore. He had wanted to. Maybe to Stanley, or Bill, but after Bowers, the only thing Richie could do was to carve the letters R + E on the kissing bridge with the pocket knife he had stolen from his dad.

R+ E is probably still there, Richie thinks, looking at the back of Eddie’s head. It could be any R and any E. A sense of anonymity, yet still, Richie’s whole body had tingled whenever he had walked past those letters. He stares at Eddie as they wade through the disgusting water, in the sewers. They’re back in the sewers, although Richie had fought tooth and nail not to end up there.

They have a responsibility.

\--

Richie gets caught in the deadlights.

He doesn’t remember anything about it. He doesn’t remember _floating. _Maybe he’s lucky. He wakes up to Eddie’s excited voice, Eddie above him, Eddie, his _savior. _Richie can barely see him, but he knows Eddie is _brave _and Richie loves him.

Pennywise knows what Richie is afraid of. What makes him _terrified. _

_I know your dirty little secret. _In that moment, it isn’t enough.

What it is, is the leg of that Pennywise-spider creature, sticking through Eddie’s chest. Blood splatters on top of Richie, _Eddie’s _blood. It’s all Richie can smell, through the smell of sewage and terror. Blood.

“Richie,” Eddie whines and it’s the worst sound Richie has ever heard. For a moment, Richie sees the thirteen-year-old Eddie, wearing the cast with LOVER spelled across it and those red shorts he always wore, hair soft and eyes wide. He can’t die like this, not here, not Richie watching helpless.

“Eddie,” comes a terrified sound. Somewhere, someone – Beverly, Bill – is screaming. Richie realizes it’s him who said Eddie’s name.

Pennywise throws Eddie. Discards him like a piece of trash and Richie _runs _after him.

Pennywise knows Richie’s fears quite well. For no one fears anything more than losing the one they love.

He hates to leave Eddie, but this fight has to be won.

When he returns, Eddie is so still he could be dead. He isn’t, though. Richie knows the strength of willpower. If Richie doesn’t want Eddie to be dead, he isn’t.

“Honey, he’s dead,” Beverly says. Her voice shakes and Richie is about to lose it, when he looks at Eddie one more time.

Wait.

The wound – the ugly gaping hole in Eddie’s chest – is gone. Frantically, Richie’s hands roam across Eddie’s chest. There’s a heartbeat. He reaches for Eddie’s face – Eddie’s _warm _face – and feels Eddie’s breath on the back of his hand…

“He isn’t dead,” he marvels, and he knows what he must sound like.

“Oh, Richie,” Beverly says, choking on a sob. _She knows, _Richie thinks. Like he gives a fuck anymore.

“Hold on.” That’s Bill. Big Bill, who kneels on the other side of Eddie and touches him. “There’s a pulse,” Bill breathes, and his relieved smile radiates the dark tunnels.

“Wh- What?” Beverly gasps and soon, all the Losers are huddled around Eddie.

“Pennywise,” Richie says, noticing how Mike next to him grimaces at the name. “Pennywise, It- It made us believe Eddie was dead. It’s gone now.”

“Why would It do that?” says Ben quietly.

“It wanted me- _us _to be afraid. To think we’ve lost him. To think It could get us,” Richie explains and never in his life has he felt such _relief. _

Until the ground starts to shake.

“The tunnels are collapsing,” Mike says, “Now that It is gone. We need to get out of here.”

Richie is quick to scoop Eddie up in his arms, but soon, he finds out he’s too weak. His hands shake, his knees shake, exhausted from the terror of seeing Eddie pierced like that and from fighting Pennywise. Richie passes Eddie to Ben’s stronger and more capable arms, but not for a second do his eyes leave Eddie’s pale face.

Eddie probably fainted, thinking he died. Pennywise made Eddie believe he had been injured, as well. Of course, Eddie is afraid of injuries. Of course.

But Eddie is going to be fine. Richie doesn’t want to think about what he’d done if Eddie truly had died.

The Losers would have had hard time dragging him away from Eddie’s body.

\--

Richie stays at Eddie’s bedside – like a wife looking over her husband, injured in war. Jesus Christ. The other Losers cast knowing looks at him. Finally, Bev drags them away, wanting to give Richie some time alone. With Eddie.

When Eddie wakes up, he blinks slowly at Richie. He looks young like that, despite the lines across his forehead.

“Did we defeat It?” he whispers.

“Yes,” Richie breathes out. He could kiss Eddie, but he doesn’t dare. Tears rise in his eyes as he stares at Eddie and maybe his stare reveals too much. Eddie sure looks at him funny.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help you,” Eddie mutters.

“No. You helped. _So much,” _Richie sighs. He finds Eddie’s hand and squeezes his fingers. Wants to bring them to his lips, kiss each of them individually.

“What happened?” Eddie murmurs. He looks down at his chest. His _uninjured _chest. “I thought- I thought-“

“It made us – including you – believe It had hurt you. But it was all It’s tricks,” Richie says.

“I was so scared,” Eddie admits, “The pain felt real. But-“ There’s a faint smile on Eddie’s face. He doesn’t look at Richie, stares down. Their fingers are still linked, and Richie’s heart is at his throat. “Rich, do you remember back then – 27 years ago – when we were at Neibolt and I had hurt my arm? And It– It was coming at us, from the fridge. I thought It was going to get us, and you–“

_Look at me Eddie! Eddie, look at me!_

“You told me to look at you. So- So I wouldn’t die looking at It. And I thought dying looking at your face wouldn’t be so bad.” Eddie looks at Richie and his last words come out as a whisper, “Wouldn’t be so bad at all.”

Richie doesn’t know what to say.

“That’s what I thought today,” Eddie continues, “Or yesterday, I don’t know how much time have passed, since… I- I felt Its leg go through me, but it didn’t matter. I wasn’t looking at It. I was looking at _you. _But you looked so terrified. I had never seen you look so terrified. Not even back then, 27 years ago. Why were so you terrified? Did you think It would take you next?”

“No,” Richie says, choking on the word. “I couldn’t have cared less. Heck, I would’ve loved It taking me as well. Eddie, I was terrified, because I was losing _you.”_

Silence.

Eddie still stares. His eyes – Richie could drown in his eyes. “Me? Richie, you barely know me.”

“You know that’s bullshit, Spaghetti Head. You remember. You’re my best friend. I wouldn’t want to live without you.”

Eddie’s hold on Richie’s hand tightens. Any moment, he’s going to notice that they’re holding hands, realize it’s _gay _and let go. Because Richie is a coward, he doesn’t do it himself.

“That’s not all, isn’t it,” Eddie whispers. This time, it’s Richie who dares not to look at him.

“Have you ever been to the kissing bridge, Eds?” Richie asks, the old nickname slipping out. His voice shakes. Actually, his entire body shakes.

“Occasionally,” Eddie says.

“Have you noticed that there’s an-“

“-R and an E carved there, yes,” Eddie says hoarsely. “R plus E.”

“I did that,” Richie says. There. Dirty little secret out. After 27 years.

Richie hears a soft chuckle next to him. “Did you, now?” And when Richie dares to glance at Eddie, he sees that Eddie is smiling to himself. He’s dragged Richie’s hand closer to him, it now rests against Eddie’s chest and both of Eddie’s hands are holding it.

“I did. Don’t worry. I was- I was a foolish little kid. I just needed some place to let my gay feelings out. I’m sure they’ll be fading soon,” Richie mutters.

“_Don’t,” _Eddie says sharply, squeezing Richie’s fingers. “Talk shit, Trashmouth. You know well enough they aren’t going to fade. Just like Ben’s feelings for Bev. Just like mine.”

“For… Bev?”

“For _you, _dipshit,” Eddie hisses. He sits up and glares at Richie. “Why are you so _dense?”_

“You have feelings… for me,” Richie says, staring. This can’t be real.

Eddie laughs. “Oh my gosh, you are still such an idiot.” It sounds a lot like, _oh my gosh, I’m still so in love with you, _and Richie’s heart misses a beat. “Come on, Richie. I _adored _you. Still do. I always wanted your attention. I gravitated towards you. I would’ve done _anything _for you. You were terrified to see me stabbed through the chest? Well, I was scared shitless seeing you in the fucking deadlights!”

Richie’s sobbing. He can barely see Eddie through the tears.

“Hey! Hey, Rich, stop crying,” Eddie says. The first ‘hey’ is sharp, but by the time Eddie gets to ‘crying’, his voice has turned incredibly soft. There’s a hand on Richie’s face, caressing the tear tracks. “Come on, Rich.”

“I love you, Eddie,” Richie says and this time, the words are to the right person.

“I love you too, Richie,” says Eddie, “And I want a divorce.”

“D- Divorce?”

Rolling his eyes, Eddie adds, “From my _wife.”_

“Oh,” Richie says. Sniffles.

“Now, Tozier, wipe that snot off your face – no, not with your sleeve, Jesus Christ – and come here.“

Eddie grabs Richie’s collar and pulls him closer, so close their noses brush. Tentatively, he presses his lips against Richie’s. They smile against each other’s lips and kiss. They kiss for a long time.

And after 27 years, Richie is finally interested.

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is richietosier :))


End file.
